Stick the empty can in a pot of water, melt your wax, dip your wick in it over and over, and VIOLA! ( voila, vilioa...something like that) you have a candle!

"Child's Play!", I thought, "I can do this easily!! TOO EASY!"

(At this point in time, I apparently caught the eye of Loki, and with an evil chortle, he turned his attention full upon me...)

Ok, instruction #1, go to the store buy wick and wax....

Hmmmm....only large wicks I see are marked 'wired' and comes in these humongous spools for twenny bucks....oh well, large wicks it is...

On to the beeswax......ahhhhh, here it is.....one pound blocks for.....!!!! $12.50 A POUND!!!!! EGADS! Lobster is cheaper! Since these are only 'practice' candles, I got a beeswax 'blend' for (wimper) $5.00 a pound...two pounds, cuz she didn't say how much to buy.

Next...go home....scrounge a large can....

Deep in the back of my pantry is a tall, institutional sized can of New England Clam Chowder, it's been there for years. Apparently, back in the early 90's, I had intentions of bringing it to the firehouse for lunch, but had buried it somehow, and it never got there. Since the expiration date was 1995, it was awhile ago.

Now, you have to realize, that when I was in the Service in the 1960's, it was somewhat common to eat field rations marked from the late 1940's. There was no expiration date at that time, and the rule of thumb was, that, unless the can was buckling at the ends, it was eatable. Sure, there was the occasional bout of vomiting and diarrhea, but I think it was mostly the THOUGHT of eating a 20/25 year of can of potted meat that did it, rather than from spoilage.... maybe.

Anyway, for whatever reason, I emptied this can of gelatinous mass into a large pot - it sliding out looking like a large, off-white mass of cranberry sauce type thing with brown looking clumpy objects embedded in it. Being condensed, it took a full quart of milk to refill the can to add to the mixture, put it on to warm....and promptly put it out of my mind.

Ok, back to candlemaking....get a pot, add water, put the can in it, add a pound of wax. While the wax melts, cut the wick into foot long strips, drape them over pencils. Labs says to put weights on the wicks so you don't get wiggly, curly candles, so I crimped lead fishing sinkers to the ends of the wicks....

Check the wax...hmmmm...one pound of wax only makes a third of a can of liquid wax...add the other pound.

Finally I start to dip....but only the lower 4" of wick are reaching the wax....it's going really fast tho, the layers are quickly building up! The only thing is....less and less of the candle are reaching the wax because the level of the wax is dropping and I don't have more to add to the can. The bottoms of the candles are getting really fat and are sticking to each other, so I prop a toothpick between them to keep them separated, and keep dipping....I have no idea where my sinkers went....

Suddenly Loki strikes in all his fury....the dog is circling madly, picking now to do his 'extreme' pee-pee dance, the chowder picks this time to boilover, pairs of candles are sliding off the pencils, bouncing off the kitchen counter and plopping onto the floor...my hair is literally standing on end in horror and confusion.....it was an awful sight to behold....Loki's cackling was ringing in my ears.

When the dust had settled, I sat there sipping my congealed chowder (which wasn't all that bad, once you got past the curdled look to it), staring at Labry's perfect candles...then over to mine, which can only be described as siamese triangles with a sinker surprise embedded in there somewhere and just sighed....

End of the story? Not by a long shot...

I decided to 'test drive' one of my triangles, so I broke one apart from it's twin and lit it, while shoving down bowl after bowl of curdled chowder. Did you know a heavy wire wick just doesn't 'disappear' when you burn a candle? I didn't. It wasn't long before I had three inches of candle left...and one inch of blackened wick showing. THEN I found out that you can do the Practical Magic trick of apparently blowing out a candle and having it magically relight itself because the wire stays hot enough for an instant, to relight the candle, if you time it right.

Finally, my wife wanders home, and I try to show her how I can relight the candle....only I can't. She gets bored and wanders into the kitchen, glances into the pot of congealed chowder...gags audibly and asks what it is. Since my stomach is rumbling like a thunderstorm by now, I tell her, and warn her that it may not be wise to try it. Being a wise woman, she agrees....then reminds me of my doctor's warning of my lactose intolerance that has surfaced in my agey- ness....arrrrrgh, I'd forgotten....